Introduction
[2007-06-08 // 5:42 p.m.]

I never thought I'd do a bio of myself in this diary, but hey, here I am. Maybe I'd delete it tomorrow, maybe I wont.

So here goes nothing...

My name's Airees. I'm 21 years of age (yeah, I know, so OLD) and I'm a student in a private university in Malaysia. I major in the most boring major there could possibly be. I'm on loan for this bloody major so you'd read about me ranting about money from time to time.

For many years, since I was 17, I suspected myself to be depressive . The only source of information I got regarding this is the Internet (Internet being my really close friend). Last year, when I was 20, things finally gone out of hand and I finally decided that I might need professional help. So since then, I've been on and off medication. Not that it gave me any more help than my own sleeping pattern.

Oh, did I mention I grew up in Malaysia? (If you dont know what or where that is, check it up yourself; I'm not your bloody geography teacher) No, I actually dont like it here. I aspire to go somewhere where there's 4 seasons in a year, or where the summer is more bearable than what they have here. Of course, I also blame global warming (I dont think it used to be this hot) and everyone who contributed to it (that's you and me, dear).

My friends often ask me why I have not had a boyfriend yet (no, never had one in my entire life and no, never been in love). The answer is this: I'm scared of rejection and commitment and I dont think I am capable of loving. Because I still havent learnt to love myself. I thought maybe I should achieve that first. It's only fair.

No, I've never had sex before either. I always think that men would only want me for that only and for that reason, I've been very cautious with men, distrustful even. Except when I'm very high or drunk. I loosen up and I let them them touch me.

I know, I know. I'm a bit contradictory in that sense.

I'm a loner with friends I'd call friends but never truly regarded as friends. I'm afraid of a lot of things and a lot of people for many stupid, nonsensical reasons.

I used to write - poems and short stories, nothing big - but I've lost inspirations and skills (isnt it odd, that many depressives are or began as writers - Sylvia Plath, Elizabeth Wurtzel... not to mention many other diarists here...). Unlike most of my friends, I've never tried weed and have never indulge in any drugs before (except my meds, which dont count). I've attempted suicide and I've attempted OD. Nobody knows. I'm a fantastic secret keeper and a pretty good liar.

I am very stubborn (with myself, mostly) and I have pride and a pretty big ego and it took me about 20 years to figure that out.

And I dream of a better world.